Vinnie Tortorich

In 1992 I stood on the stage of the world famous Improv in Los Angeles on Melrose Avenue. I wasn’t standing there because I was a comedian. I was far from it. I couldn’t imagine anyone paying me a dime to tell a joke. Let’s face it, I have the timing of a spastic white percussionist. Please don’t write in and call me racist. We all know that white folks don’t have rhythm. But I digress. I started going to the Improv on open mic nights a year earlier. The reason: I had just left New Orleans, where I had a popular radio talk show. I kind of wanted to get my chops up. That was just an easy way to do it. I must have gotten pretty good at it because one of the owners of the Improv, Mark Lonow, started paying me a small fee. I started hosting an open mic night and some of the other nights. That’s why I was standing on that stage in 1992. I was scheduled to do 10 minutes, but right before I went up, the stage manager asked if I could do an extra 5-7 minutes since they were running late with comics that night. The only problem: I didn’t have an extra seven minutes of material. I knew I would have to vamp. That’s when I started talking about the only subjects I knew anything about – health and fitness. The first words out of my mouth were: What’s this about Overeaters Anonymous? The one thing an overeater can’t be is anonymous. I told you that to tell you this. That joke played well to the crowd that night and it became a regular part of my routine. But that joke wasn’t completely accurate. Overeaters can be anonymous. They’re not all fat. I have and have had clients over the years with eating disorders. It’s generally a female problem, nonetheless, it’s a bad problem to have. I’m not a psychologist or psychiatrist. I have no idea what it takes to treat or help these folks. But there’s one thing I see them doing, so I do have a piece of advice to offer. I’ve noticed that people eat around the food that they really want to eat. I’ll give you an example. Let’s say the food in question is Oreo cookies. You know you’re trying to lose weight and shouldn’t have the Oreos. So to quell your hunger, you go for a piece of cheese. Let’s face it, cheese is much healthier than Oreos. Then you start to think, what kind of loser has cheese without crackers? That can set into motion that cheese and crackers go well with a glass of wine. By now, you figure you’ve blown your diet. Why not add something sweet? You have ice cream in the freezer. But I won’t put it into a bowl. If I put it in a bowl, I’ll eat too much. So I’ll just have a spoonful. Well, I can’t have just one. Maybe two or three. I better even it out and have a few more. By the time you reach 10 spoonfuls you’re feeling sorry for yourself, so you have a few more. You think you’re done. Let’s face it, you’re satisfied and your stomach is feeling somewhat nauseous. But just like humans we always want to get what we came for in the first place. And that’s when you dive into the Oreo cookies. The moral of this story: Go straight for the Oreo cookies next time. Don’t eat around it, it seldom works.

We’re getting to that time of year. The fat season. It’s when many people in this country and around the world gain weight. I don’t really know the statistic on this, but I’ve heard people say they don’t gain weight all year then gain three to five pounds between Halloween and New Year’s. The weight gain levels off around January, but they never lose it. You may remember my nephew wrote an article similar to this where he gained 50 pounds between high school graduation and his ten year reunion. He said it was crazy because he didn’t really see it coming. But after ten years, there it was. If you do the quick math, you will see that he easily gained five pounds a year, holding true to the three to five pound a year gain. I told you that to tell you this. One of my good friends and ace pupils when it comes to clients, Christina, just finished her year of triathlon events. As far as a competitive calendar goes, she does more than most, including tons of cycling events, several marathons and triathlons of all distances. I mentioned to Christina that it must feel good knowing that she can take the next six to eight weeks off without worrying about training. Christina said she wasn’t going to take any time off. She hates the feeling of getting back into shape, moreover having to do all of the base training again to build up stamina. I mentioned to her that she would be doing her body no good by continuing at the pace of training she has done over the last ten months. Not to mention her psyche. Her question was, “What am I supposed to do? Just get out of shape?” I said no, just do something different. She said as a triathlete, she does something different every day. I reminded her as a triathlete she only does three different sports every day and that she would benefit from changing it up. My recommendation: Do anything different. Hitting the gym would not be a bad idea. Doing some weight work would add some lean muscle mass that was lost during the season. If you live near snow, there’s cross country skiing, snow shoeing, downhill skiing and snow boarding. These kinds of winter sports can add core strength along with anaerobic fitness and aerobic fitness. Not to mention, they’re lots of fun. If you aren’t lucky enough to live in southern California and the weather is too crappy to go outside, there are no shortages of basketball leagues, racketball, handball, squash or volleyball leagues, both privately and publicly. The list of activities are endless. If you’re not sure where to start, simply do a Google search in your area. Just keep in mind that cross training is not just a term that Nike coined to sell a shoe. There’s a lot of merit in it and it can be a lot of fun.

Last Saturday I was on a five hour bike ride. How did I know it would be that long? Simple. I was training a client who needed to do at least five hours for a triathlon coming up. I guess I must be a pretty boring guys because she invited three friends to come along. One of her friends was a good friend of mine also, Karen. She’s actually helped me with this site. Thanks, Karen. The other two guys, Scott and Dave, were knew to me, though I have met Dave a time before. He’s more of a runner. As with most long rides, we started off slowly. This is usually when everyone’s chatting it up. Caroline and I seem to chat through the entire ride no matter how hard we’re going. I think it’s an Italian thing. At one point, while still rolling easy, we slowly rolled through a stop sign without completely stopping. We didn’t notice the cop car right behind us. All of a sudden, our mild chatter was interrupted by a booming voice over a loud speaker: “Cyclists, please pull over.” It must be a human thing, but for a moment I thought about taking off. But it would have caused the world’s slowest chase. I didn’t though. We all pulled over. We happened to be about a thousand yards down the road from where a guy, James Laing, was killed about two weeks ago. That’s when I decided to drop the F-bomb. I said to the officer, “So you’re going to stop four cyclists easing through a stop sign and you couldn’t stop the fucking drunk who killed one of us two weeks ago?” Scott the attorney told me dropping the F-bomb probably wasn’t my smartest move. I told you that to tell you this. When the officer asked for our ID’s, it turns out I was the only one carrying an ID. What officers normally do in that situation is take your name and date of birth, so they can look you up that way. That won’t help in the event where you might get hit and you’re not carrying identification. The officer saw fit to let us go with a warning. Once we were free and clear, I asked all three people if they had ID. No one did. I think one of the guys had a Road ID. He had the same type of tag that I wear. It’s a dog tag for cyclists. We’ve talked about this here in the past on this site. I don’t leave home without it. I’d normally say that’s a good slogan, but I think it’s already taken. The information that we should glean from this is two things. I’m a guy who promotes safe cycling. Yet, it wasn’t beyond me to run the stop sign. After all, I’m human and make mistakes like everyone else. I made a promise to myself to be more cautious and try to obey all traffic signs and signals. The second piece of information, always carry a license or some form of picture ID. It’s also a good idea if you’re a runner, cyclist, motorcyclist or kayaker. If you’re doing something that can cause you to end up unconscious at a higher percentage than your daily routine, wearing a dog tag or wrist band is a good idea. Once again, the link that we’re affiliated with is Road ID. It’s inexpensive and everyone should have one. Unless your name happens to be Sophia Loren.

I’d like to start this blog by mentioning something sent to me on Facebook by one of my loyal readers. We’ll call her Angela Callahan because that’s her name. I grew up with Angela, she was like a sister to me. Her brother Big Daddy Callahan was one of my best friends. I always wished I had a name like Big Daddy Callahan. But I got stuck with Vinnie…Vinnie the Trainer. I’m a walking cliche of myself. But I digress. Angela wanted to thank me for a picture of Sophia Loren I put on one of my blogs. Sophia was sporting some extra thick legs. And Angela appreciated the fact that I’m not afraid to show real women. It’s often been said that the likes of Sophia Loren, Jayne Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe (to name a few) couldn’t make it in today’s world. They would all be considered, and I’m not kidding folks, too fat. I told you that to tell you this. As I write this, I’m looking at the cover of Prevention magazine. Of course they have a picture of a hot looking chick, maybe in her mid to late 30s. She’s exercising, walking next to a lake with a smile on her face. When I see women running down the street, they usually don’t have a smile on their face. When I look past the woman and read the cover, I see the lies perpetrated by a magazine that pretends to hold themselves higher than the average fitness rag. The first lie: Slim in four weeks! Really? You’re telling me if a woman is 5’2″ and 200 pounds she can be slim inside of a month? OK. Lie number two: Walk off a size now! What does that mean? Generally what I find with my female clients, a size can mean anywhere from eight to ten pounds. Can I lose that in one walk? Lie number three: 14 reader-tested routines that target stubborn fat. Really folks? I didn’t know you can burn fat from a certain area of your body. I’d say that is impossible, unless you took a steak knife and cut it off. That’s a lot like liposuction, which doesn’t work. Lie number four: Anti-aging products that really work. Does that mean if I use these products I won’t look 48? I can look 40, then 30, and eventually 3? Lie number five: 128 stay healthy discoveries. Is being healthy a discovery? Columbus finding the Americas and realizing the world isn’t flat…that’s a discovery. Maybe my favorite lie here: Can’t sleep? Snack on this! In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve tried this on Serena…didn’t work. OK, bad joke, but I’m leaving it in. The last thing a magazine that calls itself Prevention should tell anyone is to eat to fall asleep. The next lie…by the way, I’m on the cover of the magazine still…three new tummy tighteners. The only reason I mention this one is because it’s the worst English I’ve ever seen. And I’m from Cajun country, I know bad English. The most laughable one: The ultimate cancer defense. I actually opened the magazine and read through pieces of this work and have to tell you, I did most of those things most of my life and I almost died of cancer. Prevention is the perfect name for this magazine. You should “prevent” yourself from ever picking it up and reading it. Then again, the magazine is geared toward the Cougar group who go out Friday nights to a wine bar with the single purpose of being lied to.

There are certain things in life I’m pretty sure I’ll never understand. Paper and plastic, for instance. When I was young, you could only get groceries in paper. Then all of sudden there was plastic, which started the biggest civil war in the United States since the original Civil War. It was literally neighbor fighting neighbor. Were you bad if you were using paper? After all, to get paper, you had to chop down a tree. If you use plastic, let’s face it, that was a petroleum product that would sit in a landfill for millions of years after only one use. Then there are the people at the grocery store who ask for paper and plastic. Really folks? It makes you wonder if these people use the pill and the condom at the same time. What about the sunroof? I’ve never understood this. First, you pay extra for it. Second, it makes the car heavier, burning more fuel. Please don’t write in, I realize it’s a negligible amount of fuel. But to be honest, every time I see a penny on the ground, I bend over to pick it up. The sunroof has advantages. If the sun is beaming into your car from an angle, you have to keep your air conditioner on longer and at a higher rate to keep it comfortable. I guess you could argue it warms the car in the winter. I just don’t understand the cost-to-use ratio on the product. By the way, don’t we live in a world where we’re trying to get less sun since it might cause a wrinkle? I told you that to tell you this. There is something else I’ve never understood. And that’s daylight savings time. I’ve heard no shortage of reasons as to why we started this silly practice in the United States. The most plausible reason has to do with when this country was an agricultural nation. Guess what folks? We went through the Industrial Revolution a couple of years back. You may have heard of it. Not to get into a history lesson here, but most people moved out of the country and into cities. They left farms and went into factories. These were the blue-collar folks. The others were the white-collar folks, who sold the crap the blue-collar folks were making in the factories. Then we had super duper white-collar folks who figured out ways to print more money so we could buy more products. That causes a little problem called inflation. But I digress. The real point is, we don’t need daylight savings time anymore. It’s a fact that as we grow closer to winter solstice, the days will become shorter all by themselves. For this reason, people who commute by bikes and run before or after work on the streets will need protection, both with reflective gear and lights. There’s a company I’m affiliated with on this site that not only sells superior products, but their prices are unbelievable. Check them out. Click on this Road ID link. Check out the firefly lights and some of the reflective bands. I’m not kidding when I tell you I have at least ten of their lights and at least two sets of their bands. Why would a guy who complained about paper and plastic have so many lights? Simple. When I ride with other people, I want to make sure they’re protected too. It’s a little insurance to stay on the road more and the emergency room less.

Tonight I want to talk about a few different things. I often write this blog about one subject, and I try not to beat it to death. But tonight there’s a few things that wouldn’t necessarily take up a whole blog. So I figured I’d mix them together and give you something useful. I told you that to tell you this. My bike riding buddy Johnny called a few hours ago, at around 5 p.m. He had some alarming information. A bike riding friend of ours, let’s call him Frankie, not his real name, went missing. I asked Johnny what “missing” meant. He said Frankie’s brother had called. Apparently Frankie left around mid-morning and some eight hours later had yet to return. I immediately went to the house and got search lights. No one seemed to know where to start looking. This story has a happy ending. Frankie showed up at around 6 p.m. I’m not sure what the story is, but I’m glad he’s safe. The reason I bring this up… Back in the days before cell phones, whenever I’d leave for a mountain bike ride, I’d jot down my general course and where I might be found. I’d leave it on my kitchen table. Generally when I ride alone, I give Serena my route. If most of my ride will be on Mulholland, I will mention it. If I say Simi Valley, everyone knows what I mean. I also use weird terms that others are now using. If I say “I’m going to see the horses,” it means Hidden Valley. If I’m “Going visit the fat man,” it means Port Hueneme. All of my friends know my routes. They also know for some odd reason, unknown even to me, I don’t veer from my routes. That’s not a safety thing, that’s a Vinnie thing. On a lighter note, my friend David Holt sent me an e-mail today. David is always interested in having a better power to weight ratio. That means he tries to keep his weight low and his power high. He told me he ordered a Tanita body composition monitor. He mentioned he wanted to see how much fat he can use without risking his health. I’m somewhat familiar with this type of scale/composition monitor. The good news is it will give you a general idea of the amount of body fat you have. The bad news is, when you are a guy like David who is extremely lean to begin with, any instrument that’s maybe 5-10 percent off from reality could have you losing more body fat than you can stand to lose. The only two true measurements I know to accomplish this are: Weighing yourself in water and a new machine that some doctors have. It’s in the couple thousand dollar range. The doctor from The Biggest Loser, Robert Huizenga has one and he demonstrated it to me. The machine was spot on in accordance with my water test.

While I’m still on my soapbox on being safe on the road, I drove by the makeshift memorial of the guy we wrote about last week. My buddy Steve and I did what many others did and left water bottles. Ours are the two all the way to the left. We also put the front wheels of our bikes in the photo. We spent a few minutes there and Steve said about the best thing you can say in a situation like this, “It could have been either one of us.” If you’re a bicycle commuter, remember it’s the last week before daylight savings time. Don’t get caught out after dark. Carry taillights and headlights. I’ll probably mention this again. Now please enjoy a picture of Sophia Loren.