Vinnie Tortorich

I haven’t felt well the last week. Apparently there’s a pretty bad flu going around L.A. and I got it. Because of that I was sitting around last night and got roped into watching a show I wouldn’t generally turn on. When a 13 year old says pretty please and bats her eyes at you, I melt quicker than a popsicle in hell. So there I was watching The Bachelor. The other thing I didn’t realize was that it was a 2-hour special. That’s right folks, I was there for the duration. I thought it was a fairly interesting show. They get this really good looking guy (who I later found out was on the show before) and put him in a mansion in the hills above Malibu. Turns out I know exactly where the mansion is. We pass it on our weekend bike rides. It’s up on a hill and has a vineyard below it. One of my riding buddies, Jonathan, is always trying to guess the price of it. I figure at any number I still can’t afford it. But I digress. The show shouldn’t be called The Bachelor, it should be called A Man’s Fantasy. Here’s how it works. The guy has around 20 really hot chicks clamoring for him. He gets the use of the mansion and gets to roll around in a $250,000 sports car. Here’s what I loved. Every time this jackass walked into a room, the girls applauded. I mean all the guy had to do was walk and they clapped for him. I can’t help but think some of it is staged. Let’s face it, Elvis didn’t even get that kind of attention. Not to give the producers any other ideas, but these girls did everything but wipe this guy’s ass. Toward the end of the show, the guy has to kick a few girls off, per the competition rules. So if you don’t end up with a rose, you’re outta there. I was somewhat confused. The girls who didn’t make it cried like they were at a funeral. That’s when one girl through her tears said, “I don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried everything.” She said she’s tried going to bars, dating at work and at the gym. None worked. She then said she tried Internet dating. Also nothing. “I give up, I’ve tried everything. It’s over for me,” she concluded. I told you that to tell you this. Obviously it’s not over for this girl. She’s young and good looking. If finding a man and wanting to be married is the ultimate goal, she’ll find it. I see this too often when it comes to weight loss. People come to me in a last-ditch effort and say they’ve tried everything. They’ve been on every diet, used every piece of equipment and tried every exercise class there is, from yoga to power plate to spinning to boot camp. It’s all failed. I’m just supposed to be fat. I’m here to tell you it’s not over until it’s over. There is always a way out. There is always a way to lose weight. Look at some of these morbidly obese people of put in a lap band. The only thing the lap band does is restrict them from eating the large amount of food they were eating before. Once they cut down on it, they lose weight. It’s not magic. So you may want to ask yourself when you are trying everything to lose weight…have you tried not eating as much?

I’m not quite sure when this post will appear. It should go up in a few days. What you may not know is that I sometimes write several blogs in a row. The posts go up on subsequent days. The only reason I bring it up is because this blog is being written on Jan. 1, also known as New Year’s Day. I spoke to a few old friends today. Everyone seems to be talking about resolutions. I’ve never actually understood the whole resolution thing. I generally feel I don’t have anything to resolve. I also know the first day of the year means absolutely nothing. The calendar is a man-made thing. The fact that we get back to the same day every 365 days means nothing to me. It’s just an arbitrary day that we’ve decided to celebrate. The thing that really makes it odd is that we decide to celebrate all of our holidays around the same time of year. Wouldn’t it be more fun to spread them out a bit? Think about it. You have Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, Christmas and the New Year all within about two months. If that’s not bad enough, we’re trying to stuff another one in there called Kwanzaa. It would be nice if we could air them out a bit. But that’s just me talking. I told you that to tell you this. Do I have any resolve in the new year? No, not really. Do I think it’s a good idea since we do have a man-made holiday allowing us to start anew? We can quit a bad habit and maybe pick up a few good ones. Enjoy the holiday, but keep in mind that life is short, so don’t hold back. Do everything you want to do. Don’t wait.

There’s a famous quote from Seinfeld where George wants to do everything he wants in one summer. It’s called “The Summer of George.” Maybe we should all do the same thing. Make it “The Year of You.”

I was training one of my favorite clients late yesterday afternoon. Let’s call him Max because that’s his name. Max is 12. He’s been a client of mine for the better part of two years. I know what you’re thinking…this is an L.A. story. Since I have people who read this blog from around the planet, some of my readers might not understand a 10-year-old with a fitness trainer. You know what? It makes plenty of sense. I had known Max for several years. His mom has been a client of mine forever. Max spent too much time sitting around playing video games and not getting out. At the ripe old age of 10, he realized he was pudgy and out of shape. Even though he goes to a high-falutin’ private school, P.E. is just not what it used to be. Do they even administer the President’s Physical Fitness Challenge anymore? I applaud Max for realizing he was headed to a problem and doing something about it. Luckily his family has the means to support it. But I digress. Yesterday Max and I decided to take it to the gym and pump a little iron. We always start with a 20-minute aerobic warmup like running on the treadmill or riding the stationary bike. To kill the time, we turn on the television. I told you that to tell you this. As I flipped through the channels, looking for something Max would want to watch, I came across the Dr. Oz show.

As I mentioned yesterday on this blog, he had on Deepak Chopra. I asked Max if he would mind watching it since I did a blog on it. Max also wanted to learn the secret to losing weight and turning back the clock. The first thing the self-proclaimed guru talked about was reversing age. His advice? Take an aspirin every day. Take 2,000 milligrams of fish oil every day. Take a multivitamin every day. And also take vitamin D3 every day. Here’s the funny part folks. I do all of that. Although I think it’s all a really good insurance policy, I don’t see myself getting younger. Then this whack job went on to explain how to lose weight. First they had to take a commercial break. I asked young Max if he wanted to change the channel. “You kidding me? I want to hear the secrets,” he said. To be honest, I did too. So what was the big secret to losing weight? Chopra said…meditate. You can meditate your weight way. The first words out of the 12-year-old’s mouth? “Bullshit.” I added, “Wow, he’s telling us to sit still and do nothing to lose weight.” Max then asked what I did yesterday in this blog, “If this guy is an expert, why is he fat?” I said, “Max, Buddha was fat too, and nobody meditated as much as he did.”

Anyone who’s a reader of this blog for any significant time knows I have lots of opinions on lots of things, especially when it comes to people. You may remember this summer I spent a couple of weeks on Perez Hilton because he decided to start a “fitness” blog (called oddly enough FitPerez.com).

I’ve also had my problems with Jillian Michaels, the so-called “fitness” expert. I don’t know who made her the end-all and be-all of fitness. It certainly wasn’t me. I think I’ve even said a thing or two about Richard Simmons.

He’s probably one of the richest fitness people on the planet, and probably the most pathetic. Why? He knows nothing about fitness. Most people don’t realize how Richard started in fitness. In the 1980s he played an aerobics teacher on a soap opera. One thing led to another and we got the likes of “Sweating to the Oldies” and “Deal A Meal.” I actually like Richard. I think he’s a hell of an entertainer. I love when he sits around with fat women and cry over the pie they just ate. I told you that to tell you this. I was having lunch earlier and there was a television on in the room. A promo came on for the Dr. Oz show. I think Oz generally gives out good information. If you find yourself sitting around the house in the middle of the day and can’t get off your ass, check him out. He gives general information on what you should do, like take vitamins and such. Today Dr. Oz was promoting Deepak Chopra.

I might just have a stick up my ass about this guy. And I can’t actually say why. To give you a quick history: He’s of Indian descent and is a doctor. He’s an endocrinologist. For the uninitiated, he’s a pretty smart guy. Somewhere along the way, Deepak realized you can’t make a lot of money being basically a scientist. So he jumped on the alternative medicine bandwagon. Hell, why not? He already had the look. He had a degree. All he needed was a Hollywood agent. I’m always giving this guy a hall pass on my blog. But after seeing the promo today, I was like, “What the fuck?” He was claiming that he can cause “anti-aging” and “permanent weight loss.” Because of his medical background, he knows that neither is possible. There is no such thing as permanent weight loss. The only way is to lose weight, and before you gain it back, kill yourself. That’s the only way to do it permanently. And anti-aging? It hasn’t happened yet. I say yet because science has gotten pretty close. In most cases, it backfires because of the mutation of the genes. Simply put, fixing one problem causes another. It’s like taking steroids. You get big muscles but your nuts shrivel up and your liver gets effed up. That’s if you’re lucky. A final note: If Deepak Chopra can cause permanent weight loss, he first has to explain his double chin. That’s right funny man. I’m calling you out. You’re fat. And if you can cause anti-aging, why do you look older than ever?

I’ve spent the past few days in southern Louisiana, where I grew up. It’s known as Cajun country. I don’t want to get into an entire explanation of what Cajun really means. I get asked about it all the time. People want to know if it’s a nationality, religion or just a style of food. The answer could be yes to all of these, but it’s not that simple. By definition, Cajuns are an ethnic group of the descendants of Acadian exiles (French settlers from Acadia). Cajun culture has had a huge impact on southern Louisiana. Cajun is a way of life to people here no matter their race, creed or blood type. So even though I’m full-blooded Italian, I’m still considered a Cajun because of the culture. I liked growing up in such a culture. Meals were always great in my house. You never knew if it would be shrimp fettucine or crawfish etouffee. But I moved away from the South. One of the main reasons was the weather. I also love mountains and deserts. My hometown receives over 100 inches of rain per year. Strictly speaking, it’s almost a rainforest. The other reason I moved is because I’m more open-minded than the average southerner. This could be a whole conversation I won’t get into to. If you don’t think exactly like everyone else thinks, you’re considered a rabble-rouser, eccentric, or just plain weird. It doesn’t matter, I love the people and the culture. They may be the nicest people on the planet. They go out of their way to help you and do anything for you. That’s not something you get much in Los Angeles. To be honest, when I hold the door open for a woman in L.A., they act like I’m on crack. Sometimes they don’t even acknowledge it. But I digress. I get a kick out of the Cajun folks because no one wants to buck the system. They all drive the same type of cars, all dress the same, and God forbid someone do anything different. Generally the men these days all wear camo-colored clothing. Basically they dress as if they’re going off to Desert Storm. Their hats are covered in foliage. If it’s warm you will see them in camoflage T-shirts. If it gets cold, you will see a windbreaker or coat with camo. I actually saw camo seat covers in a guy’s truck. I say all of this to make a point. They will not buck the system no matter what. If one is doing it, they’re all doing it. I told you that to tell you this. There’s something else about the Cajuns that run across the board, men and women. They’re fat. It seems to run across every ethnic and socio-economic group. Most men look pregnant and have bloated faces. The women are no different. I run into people my age who not only look years older than they actually are but move like elderly people due to the loss of flexibility and the lack of exercise. As I began writing this, my first question was, “What’s causing this?” My answer was simple. Nothing is causing it but the culture. My reasoning? It’s not the big obvious things like fried foods that make the people fat, or the fact that most of their meals start with a roux. It’s simple things. If you order tea in a restaurant, it will automatically come sweetened unless you ask for it without sugar. If you order fish, it will come fried, unless you specifically ask for it broiled or baked. Once I actually asked for a broiled piece of fish, not drowned in butter. When my entree showed up the fish was swimming in butter. I politely reminded the waitress that I wanted it plain. She replied, “Oh, I heard you. You just wouldn’t like it that way.” The one thing I can surmise out of my whole trip to the South this year is that there isn’t one reason why the entire culture is fat. It’s a bunch of things that all add up.

As always, I was up early last Saturday morning. It was Christmas and I didn’t want to waste any time. Not because I had Christmas stuff to take care of, I had all of that done already. It had been raining for a week straight. Saturday was going to be the first clear day before another storm came through. I had bike riding on my mind. So there I was in the kitchen sipping on some Cajun coffee and eating oatmeal. As I got my bottles ready for the bike, I was almost giddy, like a kid waiting for Santa Claus. And yes, that pun was intended. I had the television on in the kitchen with some background noise. As always early on a Saturday, it was one infomercial after another. One infomercial told me I needed a different blender for my fruits and vegetables. It said the material would turn hot, and I would have instant soap. It then explained how healthy this would be for me. So I flipped to another channel. There was a guy explaining how I could get ripped abs without doing any sit ups. He claimed I would only have to do some dance moves. I actually said “Bullshit” out loud as I changed the channel. The next infomercial showed a well-muscled guy with what looked to be a dumbbell. At first I thought, finally, a real piece of fitness equipment. Then I noticed he only had one and had both hands around the center. He was moving it back and forth in a jerking off motion. Once again, I stopped and said “You gotta be kidding me.”

Saturday Night Live even poked fun at the Shake Weight commercial.

Even if this works, who would ever do this in public? Then I realized it couldn’t possibly work. I’ve been jerking off for years and look nothing like the guy in the ads. I told you that to tell you this. A lot of these products are based on little or no research whatsoever. Most of the research is thin at best. In a lot of cases, the money isn’t there to do a full double-blind study for the products seen on television. I don’t talk about this quite enough, but I know for a fact that some of the things that are chiseled in stone in the health and fitness industry are wrong. In some cases, these “truths” are based on one study that may be more than 50 years old. Even though the actual truth has come out in subsequent years, we as a society tend not to follow it or believe it. It’s much easier to perpetuate the lie. Before you buy a magic pill or try to Jazzercise the fat away or try to jerk off a dumbbell, spend a little time learning the truth. Remember: If it seems to good to be true, it is.