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“I like my Johnny Walker Red and my women blonde.” – Joe Namath
In the original version of the movie The Longest Yard, the famous quote was “I think I broke his fucking neck.” It was uttered by the famous actor Richard Kiel. The move that Kiel used was called the clothes line. And the clothes line is what this blog is all about today. The clothes line wasn’t invented by Hollywood for that movie. It was an actual move that real men used in football to annihilate a running back or receiver. It was used by great men with names like Butkus and Buoniconti. But you won’t find that move in football today. It’s been retired like the red, white and blue basketballs of the now defunct American Basketball League. Players used to get to the football field in a pickup truck, not a Bentley. They didn’t have portfolios. And they didn’t have many teeth because they didn’t bother with things like facemasks. I miss those men. I long for the days when Broadway Joe would limp up to the line and do something special. I long for the days when football players took care of their injuries with a couple of shots of whiskey, not with drugs. I told you that to tell you this. One of my clients had ESPN’s Sportscenter on the other day. I swear to you I thought I was watching the Lifetime channel. I felt if I watched any longer I would have to get a pap smear. ESPN should stand for Extra Sissy Pussy Network.
The first story was about Brett Favre, maybe one of the last man’s men on the planet. Apparently like a lot of pros, old Brett was having an extra-marital affair. Allegedly, he was sending some pictures of his cock to some chick he used to bang when he was in New York. Since when is a picture of a cock illegal? I happened to see pictures of the girl who’s accusing Brett, Jenn Sterger. She seems to be an identical match to Brett’s wife, but 20 years younger. Can we really call it cheating if a guy is trying to bang his wife from 20 years ago? In my opinion, this is a non story.
The bigger story was about the 3 or 4 concussions that happened last weekend in the NFL. It seems as though some players don’t like how hard they’re being hit. Let me tell you little girls something. You’re not a prisoner to the NFL. You can quit whenever you want. Nobody is keeping you there. Now the league wants to fine guys for hitting too hard. Are you fucking kidding me? Is this a goddamned joke? As a former college linebacker, we were taught to hit so the players wouldn’t get up. If we tried to shoulder tackle (which is what they’re trying to do now), any skilled player knew how to roll out of that and find themselves in the end zone. We called that titty tackling. There’s a reason why we watch NFL football. It’s violent. Don’t for one minute think that you watch for any other reason. Why do you think all those rednecks watch cars make left turns in something called NASCAR every weekend? You think they enjoy watching cars go around in circles? That’s too simple even for them. They do it because they want to see crashes. They want to see violence. By the way, since we’re talking about the pussification of this country, those cars now have governors so they can’t go faster than a certain speed. I think top speed in NASCAR is just shy of 190 miles per hour. At one time these cars went well over 200. Why stop there? NASCAR claims it’s all about the driver. Well, let’s make all the cars go 20 miles per hour if it’s really all about the driver. At one time that sport had real men like Dale Earnhardt, Richard Petty and Al Unser. Now the sport is full of pretty boys. I say give us back our sport. Give us back our violence. Let the chips fall where they may. I would also like to say Perez Hilton sucks.